Jac jac jacqui.

who i've been hates who i am.

2009-07-17T09:02:18Z

hi emo blog. im coming to you again, to pour out sorrow and sadness. eventhough i'd receive no reply, i just find comfort to someone who'd just shutup and listen. i told myself many times before that i'll be okay . i'll go through this crisis just fine. But maybe its just an emo day, or theres too much things kept inside. i dont like loneliness. i fear that word, and everything about it. but its time i faced it. Just looking @ my four walls reflecting on this past, present and future, makes me lonely. I'd love to smile again, genuinely. Being the happiest girl in the world. i hope one day i'd find my opportunity, to embrace myself again. lift myself up and be who i was before. everyday i fix a smile on my face, not letting anyone worry. but it hurts, alot. deep down, a heartache then gushes through me time and time again.

im sad , im sad. :(

perfections of an imperfect person.

2009-06-03T13:13:46Z

- Annoyance, Bitter, Cheeky smirks, Demeaning comments, Ego, Fractured heartaches, Genuine, Hostile, Intolerable, Jealousy.

lil imperfections makes someone perfect.

Sadly destiny forbides my happiness, just torturing me to live in torment and confusion.

I know i know, emotional little comments and sadness, thats what livejournal does for me right? its the only thing that would tolerate my princessy complaints. haha. (:

smackin' lips.

2009-06-01T17:39:38Z

Chinese 0 level paper. ZZZZZZZZZZZ. well it wasn't a total disaster, just quite terrible, and meaningless. I bet the marker would be laughing hillariously @ my , nonsensical chinese writings. Oh well, at least its over & done with :D i've just got back from a lil dim sum supper with mummy daddy jiejie & tim. It was supposed to be a light , fluffed supper, but wooo. all my yoga & stretching gone down the drain ... My poor beez was stranded outside his house today, poorthing. I had to accompany him & entertain his lame jokes and mimicks. Only God knows how painful that experience was. What abusive compulsive drug addict all. Nonsense. Aftermath, Amirah, my sweet lil angel of mine was so kind to help me pluck my bushy , horrendous eyebrows. they were grown all over the place, like grape vines swirling around my forehead. Even nut laughed @ me :( Now its all perfect and in shape , hehe, FOC. ^^ I had to accompany my lonely friend Nasrul for dinner, innocently thinking i'd only be there for 1/2 an hr since hes going to school. But this hantu decided to happily skip school for his good friend faisal. Sometimes i dont quite understand the meaning of good friends , maybe it just equals bad influence. hehe. So i was sitting down @ Mr. Teh Tarik with Nut , Faisal , Zul & an unknown friend which they annoyingly kept making fun of. Poor boy didnt have a clue on whats going on & laughing like a lost soul. You have my sympathy, mr. ( sorry, i dont know his name ) Soon after it was time to gooo homee.

What if God knew how painful it is to fall in love, or even fall out of love? The boundaries seperating love is the most painful thing to ever experience. I hope God knows, so he'd share with me his trials & tribulations, in whatever way possible.

trouble

2009-05-30T05:00:41Z

hello dear diary, i think i bring everyone nothing but anger , confusion & trouble. i restrict anyone else from being happy. sometimes all i ask is just for attention. even a picnic @ the beach, we wont even need to spend money. just these small lil thoughts. everytime i go down to your house for 2 hrs. doing nothing. i dontknow. am i asking for too much? :(

absence makes the heart grow fonder.

2009-05-28T08:15:38Z

Mere phone calls, small talks. Short text messages. Brief meetings once a week. 26 months ago it was so different, long texts, endless phone calls, 3hr long talks , we'd travel all over Singapore to do absolutely nothing. I wont say everything has changed, because i still have the same feeling & adoration , or maybe more. Its a complex situation, tangled & wrangled up in little strings of hope, desire and promises. Lost~

taken away.

2009-05-22T05:54:16Z

well its almost been a year since i've ever bothered about this abandoned diary, i was just surfing thru the websites & i found my long lost diary. A book of lil notes and scribbles from genuine affection & innoncence. It puts a smile on my face just to reminsce about the ignorant past , the stupid poems & declarations of love.I can finally get to sit down, and reflect, about how my life has been, and what makes me what i am today. well im here in honour to write afew heartfelt words to someone close to my heart, someone who has walked me through my troubles in life, she'd come all the way down to the canteen to watch me eat my nasi padang. she'd put a smile on my face all through dusk to dawn. Nur Juliyanna aka Bobo, you're brighter than the sunshine, as vibrant as the rainbow, i would like to express my affection & appreciation for having an amazing friend like you.

In 2007, i entered the class of 2N1.
I've never noticed this girl, with long hair always tied in a pony tail,
and fairly thin framed glasses.
She came up to me & said, '' hello im juliyanna, whats your name?''
This conversation continued,
i got to know her more when time passes.

She was never a really good friend of mine,
Although we're in the same cluster.
I only realised her amazing sense of humour,
someone who's filled with joy & laughter.

Funny how our little strings bond,
In 2009 we were as close as stone.
its like catching a fish in a little pond.
From not knowing a person,
to keeping them close to you ,
Its an amazing ability,
what someone could actually do.

Heres the poem to express my love and affection,
topped with heaps of appreciation.
Nur Juliyanna,
you have this power over me,
someone who can turn my frown upside down.
you have indebted your trust in me,
you are the greatest thing anyone could never be,
my bestfriend<3.

ps, please bake cookies for me. (:

Long Lost Friend,

2008-10-26T13:59:18Z

Well well well, hello dear livejournal, & to all the people who has been reading my blog with no updates from the last century. I think i have this habbit of opening a blog account then chucking it one side after few posts. I was really satisfied when i got back my results. SECOND IN CLASS BABY. (: effort pays off huh? okay i'll stop being a boast. So the holidays are here, & for once in my life im not happy about it. everyday i wake up with no aim or plans, leaving myself lost like a dumb child. I miss school. So much that i dont mind going back for extra lessons just to see my friends. Our NA stream has bonded so much & we now tight as nigga. we now like stickin' onto each other yo.i look forward to going to school everday. It somewhat puts a smile on my face, because evrybody makes me feel so comfortable, like we're a family. Sad to say, i havent met my clique as often. I feel the distance kept between us, & the bond that was only there for a short while. I know its my fault & i am trying to meet them more often now.Even for Melanie, i have not seen her for ages but luckily we're starting to catch up on our seperate lives. It hurts to realise i have been distant away from my fellow friends, that were once so close & tight. But everything seems so different , blame it on our studies & work & other friends . Well, the holidays are here so i hope i'd see them more often. Melanie , Ian , Mike , Aga , Charles , Shawn , Nikhil , Adam , Nut ,i miss & love you guys heaps, & will always be there despite circumstances.

im bored now, real bored. thankyou livejournal for my cheap thrill & entertainment. i think i smell, im gonna shower. bye.!

God Bless

thought.

2008-06-27T17:21:35Z

Maybe i really have been too much. Taking advantage of my freedom & trust that was on the verge of breaching. I have been thinking these past few days. Thinking about myself, my life. The choices i have made & where i am today. Take for example, my studies. Thinking that i am not putting enough effort, but wanting to strive for the best. How i wish that was possible . & my sensitivity towards others. Towards they way i treat them & how i feel . I have put much thought to myself. Trying to be a better person, & turning my whole life around. I am quite happy to say that where i am standing today is a blessing in disguise. If not for my mistakes and dumb choices, i would not be the person i am today . Eventhough my faith in God has not been all that strong, or even willing to draw closer to him, i must say. He has guided me to what i am now , & i thank him for that. He gave me a beautiful family, & the bestest friends. He gave me strength & power to pull through my darkest , drunken sorrows. Well so much for ' thought ' i am still stuck , in somewhere that has a ladder to crawl out of, but i refuse to. im stuck in a deep hole . where it takes me forever to comtemplate whether to climb out , and also afraid to fall back in. Im lost. Its somewhere where i feel like running away, but knowing i can only run in circles & end up at the same spot i begun with.

Dear Lord , please help your lil one. (:

For the first time in my dismal life
I feel love flow in my heart
You showed me the beauty of life's wonders
everything that I thought impossible

God bless.

P.S : the getaway, my love. my sunshine. my happiness. (:

Good Ol' times.

2008-06-15T19:04:14Z

Well i just came home from pasir ris beach, with a very bloated tummy not too long ago . Came home for a family dinner then i left my house @ 9. Met mel near my playground & chilled. Waited for Michael to come .. THEN waited for Charles & Shawn. Their worse than girls. Take soo freaking long to reach Downtown east. Finally they reached & we walked & walked until we found a perfect spot. We played Bluff. It was the MOST EXCITING GAME i have ever played in my life. Did that sound bimbo ? i think it did. hah. Melanie cant lie for nuts & Charles was no better as well . I had an fun ass time playing BLUFF with them . Until it came to a point where i had to drag half a 1.5litre bottle of peach tea down my teeny weeny throat. Is that fun or not ? hahahaha. It was time for me to go home, they dropped me off & went home . I will update photos of today later when my sis gets off the other computer. Goodnight people. (:

Thank you Melanie , Charles , Michael & Shawn .
For the most exciting and enjoyable night with you guys .
It was better than watching a movie or going to a theme park .
Eventhough we were just sitting down , playing the stupidest no brainer card game,
filled with our laughters & optimistic possibilities in the cloudy red sky ,
contented my heart, as well as my stomache .
hehe. Good ol' times. aaaha.

Happy Birthday, Mellissa (:

2008-06-15T11:43:53Z

Saturday , 14th June.
Melissa's party was a blast. Especially with friends that i havent seen for a thousand years. I miss them & their wonderful company. (: Met the guys before heading to pasir ris park. Got afew bottles of drinks for her party. THen Melanie & i got two long cans of Carlsberg, & oh my god. It tasted WORSE than FISHWATER. i drank half the can & i threw it away . Chilled out , relaxed, enjoyed the company of my loved ones , & basically , had a good time . We left @ 2.30am. Tracy baby decided to come over to my place to lepak . So Michael dropped us off. Thankyou Mike.! When we got home we were all sweaty & sticky. Tracy got in the shower then we started talking . Talking about all my problems in the world , and everything that concerned our life. I was really touched by her care & concern for me . & also ignorantly not reconigsing her deepest feelings. At this point i felt like she was a really good friend & someone who would be there for me no matter what. Thankyou Tracy Baby, for being the nicest TEDDY BEAR in the universe. We decided on our morning breakfast @ dte MacDonalds. It is so damn goood just enjoying the cool breeze & chilling we our hot tea. Tracy headed home & i promised her our facial appointment but my bed just tempted me to sleep in. Woken up by Daddy's super loud voice, its louder then an alarm man. Headed to east coast lagoon for dinner than off to gelare. Geeesh. 100000 - million calories. hahaha. Daddy dropped me off @ tampines mall & i had coffee with aga , michael & charles. Melanie came down to talk about our friendship & all the other problems. Well, everything is settled now, & i seriously LOVE YOU MELANIE TEE SHU YAN DAUGHTER OF BENEDICT TEE. & no mel, i didnt call your father a robot this time. hehe (: Headed to stage , when charles came down all the way from malaysia. LOL . took a cab home then mike dropped me off. had supper with korkor & jiejie & i was off to bed!

pictures of me & trace @ my crib;

A childlike quality,
That puts a smile upon my face.
Every time I look at them
They make my heart race.
the song sings my heart.
thinking thouroughly,
whenever we're apart.

P.S : HAPPY FATHER'S DAY TO ALL THE DADDYS THAT MADE US WHAT WE ARE TODAY! I LOVE YOU , DADDY. (:

Sing for absolution.

2008-06-12T22:44:15Z

Its 6.22am & i still cant go to bed. My eyes have been wide open since 3 in the afternoon. I met Azfar in the afternoon, then called met sarah to lepak . I walked Azfar back to his place & walked to tm to meet Micheal & Shawn. Had Micheal's leftovers of Yoshinoya. HAHA. Met Charles @ starbucks , walked down to coffee bean, then ian & mel came. We walked nearly 2 km just to find Shawns DRAFT BEER. In th end, THERE WAS NO DRAFT. @ that moment, i felt like pulling out his hair ! We went down near Mel's place to lepak since shawn bought a six pack Tiger beer. Mike dropped me home . Met my brother, drove down to Cheney's house to paint his stupid room. Isaac & Jon were there . We had a paint fight. LOL . & The ceiling is gray. How dull & gay is that? i just dont understand.. . Nevermind . Left to Geylang for supper & ' mere excitement '. Until now i still cant accept the fact that an actual lady would give her body up for money . Ohwell, the world is such.

it's like how my skies are never blue .

Finally , i have sorted things out with not only him , but myself .
I have pysched myself to be the best i can be ,
I want to be his bestfriend .
I have promised myself not to get angry because of the lil things he does which are not exactly wrong .
& also not to be jealous because i am in no postition .
I want to be there for him during all his troubles & difficult situations.
I want to listen & to hear him out when he cries ' help '
I've now come to understand the meaning of ,
' if you love someone, all you wanna see is for them to be happy '
i love him more than any other.
Thats why im letting go, & learning to hold back .
not our love or sacrifices,
but our good ol' times. (:
I only wanna make you smile.

God Bless.

Love?

2008-06-09T16:06:38Z

A year and a half, the journey brings ,
for now my heart, slowly shrinks.
the love & joy , the heartfelt words,
looking out the window, hearing singing birds.
i cant help but reminisce ,
we would talk on the phone until it was time for bed,
even then i would see you , in my dreams , inside my head
we had a chance , to make it work ,
one too many times.
it slowly jerked.
enough about your sentosa trip,
pfft. i guess thats why i flipped.
hope was danggling on a string,
although sometimes ,
you drop hints about some other fling.
This love was just a figment
A figment of our minds
Something we could ponder
But never express
thankyou . for making me stronger.
i know that our love still linger,
tho its just temporary.
it'll end sooner or later.
i still love you ,
love you more than always & forever.
For this I do not regret
The time with you that I had spent.

P.S : Have a safe trip Ben , i hope you grant your wishful thoughts. hahaha. & bring back my vodka!

God bless

Happy Birthday, Joshua (:

2008-06-08T20:52:09Z

I think theres something wrong with my body clock. Its tuned to sleep @ 6am & wake up at 4pm . And i think if this continues till school starts, im dead. So i woke up @ 3, showered and met aga , mel & micheal. We sat under ians block for 3 hours doing literally NOTHING . Stoning . . . Then , we walked down to tampines mall & met Charles , Shawn & Nut. Headed to salihin ( Nuts second home ) .Faisal & Redha came down. Lepak lepak lepak. Shawn , Charles , Me & Mel left to meet tracy under her block to collect my books. Had starbucks after. Met azfar, i'll elaborate later on . So, aga's reaally reaally extremely nice friend decided to come pick me up cos i was stuck @ some block opp. coffee bean. He drivs a BMW. OHMYGAWD. & he has a MUSTANG in Canada. Like wtf?! The world's not fair man. We ended up @ some ulu place where i met Joshua, Ian , Mel , Charles , Shawn , Linken. They were scaring me with ghost stories. stupid people. shining the torch @ me all. lol. lepak, then the friend dropped us @ the bustop and aga sent me home. (:

Thankyou , Melanie , Aga & charles. For being my pillar of strength through my rough day.
Teaching me that life is not only about him , & pulling my spirits up.
Opening my eye to the bigger sight of life.
I love you guys more than words can say .
thankyou, xoxxx.

God bless.